


Like Kissing a Summer Shadow

by sockablock



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Oh god, So much angst, Vax and Gilmore get one last chance to talk, and did i deliver, campaign 1 spoilers, gilmore deserves the world, it hurt me to write this but i had so much fun doing it, no, takes place just after ep 103
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-02 03:45:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16297538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sockablock/pseuds/sockablock
Summary: The knock came again. After a moment, he stood up, walked over, leaned carefully against the handle.“Who is it?” he called.A breath of silence. Then:“It’s, ah, it’s me, Shaun.”(or: an AU where Gilmore and Vax got one last conversation, before the end)





	Like Kissing a Summer Shadow

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a prompt from [@pockets-are-essential](http://pockets-are-essential.tumblr.com) that said: 
> 
>  
> 
> _an au where vax had the time to explain to gilmore what was happening before the raven queen took him away and maybe give him a little bit of closure?_
> 
>  
> 
> Because i wrote this and it killed me, I decided to put it here ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

There was a knock at the door, softened by the rustling midnight breeze outside.

Gilmore looked up from where he was hunched over the dinner table, pouring through stacks of ancient tomes, wrinkled papers, a lone candle flickering on in the corner. 

The knock came again. After a moment, he stood up, walked over, leaned carefully against the handle.

“Who is it?” he called.

A breath of silence. Then:

“It’s, ah, it’s me, Shaun.”

He opened the door.

Standing before him, outlined in the moonlight, shimmering with a strange purple glow and the raven feathers gently cloaking his form, was Vax’ildan.

His expression was sheepish, his hands draped loosely at his sides.

“Um...hello,” he said.

Gilmore looked him over. He raised an eyebrow.

“You know, given our past, I should probably be asking you what your favorite foods are, just to make sure you’re really you. But I suppose no one else in the world, other than me, could make an entrance as dramatic as this. Come on, then.”

Vax grinned, followed Gilmore in, stood back and watched the other man shut the door. But his smile faded slightly as he saw the worry hidden in Shaun’s warm, brown eyes.

“Taryon came by,” Gilmore murmured. “Just before he left for home. He said that he felt one of you die. You don’t look like this because you’re a ghost now, do you?”

Vax chuckled faintly. “No, no,” he said, gesturing to his semi-translucent form. “This was a gift from the Raven Queen. If you’ve ever seen Pike glowing orange before, that’s Sarenrae doing the same for her.”

“Well,” Gilmore waved a hand dismissively. “Gods, eh?”

Vax nodded. “Gods,” he agreed. “But...on the subject of gods, that’s...that’s sort of why I’m here. Taryon...he was right.”

Those brown eyes widened. “What?” Gilmore breathed. “Wait, what? Vax, who—”

“It was me.”

In the silence that followed, Gilmore took a step back.

“... _what_?”

He sighed, rubbed the back of his neck. “It, aw, fuck, it was me, Shaun.”

“But...but you’re here now! Sort of. Did your friends bring you back?”

“Ah...no, they didn’t. My, um, my goddess did.”

Gilmore’s posture relaxed slightly. “Oh,” he said. “Oh, I see. That’s...good, then, isn’t it?”

Vax bit his lip. His expression was filled with longing grief, badly warped into thin optimism. “It’s, well, it’s not permanent.”

“It’s not  _what_?”

“It’s not permanent,” he repeated. “We...we’re about to do something really stupid, Shaun, where we take down a would-be god threatening to destroy this plane? And, ah...if we succeed...I, I made a deal with  _her_ , to bring me back so I could see this through. And once it’s over...”

“...you’ll be  _killed_ ,” Gilmore breathed. “Is that it?”

“Well, technically I’m already—”

Vax’s form suddenly flickered, startling them both. Gilmore took a step forwards and Vax swore, shaking his head. “I—I don’t think I can stay here much longer,” he said. “And we’re sort of operating on a short time frame, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to come here in person. I just...I just wanted one last chance to see you.”

“Well,” Gilmore said shakily, “well, you certainly have that. But...but Vax’ildan, this can’t be the last time—”

“I think it might be,” he whispered. “I’m...I’m afraid that I’m certain it is.”

“No,” Gilmore said, taking another step towards him. “No, I don’t accept that, you’re not supposed to...to...”

“To die, Shaun?”

He stopped in his tracks. Vax carefully closed the gap.

“All of us have to,” he said softly. “I am...I am just sorry that my time came so soon.”

“Don’t you dare accept that—”

“I am  _sorry_ , Shaun,” he whispered. “Losing you—”

His form flickered again. His voice grew ever-softer, he squeezed his eyes shut. “Losing you,” he repeated, “is a cost I almost cannot bear.”

“And what of me?” Gilmore asked, shaking his head in disbelief. “How am _I_ supposed to bear losing  _you_?”

Vax grit his teeth. Faint tears were rolling down his face, a face thousands of miles away across a distance they knew they would never reach.

“I am sorry,” came the quiet reply. “I have never been sorrier for anything than how I have treated you.”

Gilmore shook his head. “You always followed your heart,” he murmured. “I would never ask you to follow mine.”

Vax’s lips quirked up into a smile. “In that case,” he whispered, “will you allow me to follow it again, for one last time?”

Gilmore breathed a laugh into his sigh. “Of course, Vax’ildan. Of course.”

It was brief, and surprisingly warm. It was like kissing a summer shadow. 

“You know, you always do this,” he whispered as they broke away. “You always do that, and then disappear.”

Vax pressed an ethereal hand to Gilmore’s cheek, pressed their foreheads together, pressed his eyes shut.

“This time,” he murmured, “this time I can guarantee you that disappearing is the last thing I want to do.

Gently, he lay a hand on Gilmore’s shoulder. “You were the best man I ever knew.”

Shaun nodded. “As were you.”

Vax cracked a faint smile. “If that’s the case, you should really go out and meet some more people. I’m not all that—”

His form flickered again. His eyes went wide, he took a step back, his head whipped around and his hair cascaded down around him as his presence was now finally being called back.

For one last moment, for one last breath, his gaze met Shaun’s and his eyes grew full. “I have to go,” he said. “I-I am so,  _so_  sorry, I—”

“Wait!” Gilmore thrust his hands out, reached towards Vax. “Wait, wait, Vax’ildan, not y—”

“I love you, Shaun,” he whispered. “I have always loved you, and I always w—”

Gilmore’s fingers caught the faintest wisps of smoke caressing skin. In front of him, in the lonely quiet of his small, empty home, he watched the translucent, shimmering form of the man he always loved, disappear.

For a while, he stood there, unmoving. Unfeeling, and alone.

Slowly, he lowered his arm. He turned around. He saw his table, his papers, and his tiny, glowing candle.

He walked over, and blew out the light.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, and I'm very sorry, if it helps I also cried when I wrote it
> 
> (if you need some fluff to recover from that, check out some of the other stuff I've written [on my tumblr page](https://www.sockablock.tumblr.com)!


End file.
